Pursuing a Dream

I am realistic and do not expect to make a living on the silver screen, but now, at 34, as a much less overweight, confident, dare I say ballsy woman, I am pursuing acting.  I am realistic in my goals and I am starting in community theatre and taking classes…but I can’t give up on something I have wanted to do since I was about 5 years old.  If the farthest I ever get is community theatre, I am okay with that.  I have given up on a lot of things, a lot of dreams in my life, this is not one I am ready to give up on before I even start.

So many people are told not to pursue acting because they are not traditionally gorgeous.  “There are thousands of talented people,” I keep being told.  If I am one of them, why shouldn’t I try?  There is no harm in trying and there is little cost.  I go to a wonderful school, the NJ School of Dramatic Arts in Bloomfield where the classes are reasonable and the teachers are wonderful.  As a non-profit school, I do not feel like people are “blowing smoke up my ass” by telling me I have some degree of talent because they have nothing to gain by lying to me.

For my whole life I have listened to the opinions of others.  I didn’t try acting in high school, nor in college.  I got my reasonable degrees (3 of them) and none of them made me happy, or I should say none of them made me as happy as acting does.  After hearing, once again, how slim my chances are of becoming an actress, I realized that maybe I should give up.  But I don’t give up in my scenes, or my studies, so why should I give up on this?  I have a LOT of regrets in my life, but spending a few hundred bucks to try and live out a dream is not one of them.

If you are told, like me, that you are just one of thousands who want to be an actress and to let go of your dreams, I suggest you kindly tell others that rather than giving up on a dream, a passion…why not try it and see what happens?  The worst that happens is you take classes, love them and do nothing more than some unpaid, community work.  The best is that you can realize your dreams…you  never know until you try.

Acting is Reacting- What the Heck Does that Mean?

Every actor or acting student experiences “that moment.”  The moment when you think “Wow, that was…amazing.”  Last week I had my “moment” when I realized that not just acting, but the process of acting, has the power to produce an insane level of emotional intensity.

I should start off by saying I do not have any kind of methodology.  Both the schools I go to are method-ish, but incorporate some Meisner and every other big name in acting.  But, I generally draw upon experiences or a substitution of an experience when doing scenes, so I definitely use a lot of Method tools.

I began taking two classes for the spring session- Accents and Film & TV.  Last week was my first film and TV class and every time I take a class, I fall in love even more with the craft.  The point of the class, as taught by a veteran character actor named Sam, is that acting is reacting.  Now, I have heard this term from the many acting books I have read (I am a geek, I read about it, too), but I never really got it, not until last week’s exercise.  I am pretty good on stage, I connect with my partner, I listen, but I am very line-driven, like I am sure most actors are.  But last night’s exercise got me to fully understand what “acting is reacting” really means.

We had an exercise which was as follows:  We are given a generic script with about 10 lines.  The context is given and then we begin the scene.  Each scene is done twice.  In scene 1, I was a wife who just found out her husband was being sent to jail for white collar crimes.  The second, I was a wife whose husband, a tennis pro, found out he needed to have his leg amputated.  I know fun stuff to feel, right?  Anyway, when the scene began and my scene partner said his line, I was to repeat it in my head while observing his body, his tone, everything about how the line was said.  After I repeated it and processed it, I was to respond.  If we forgot the lines or felt compelled to say something else, we were to ignore the lines and paraphrase.

The point of the exercise was to show us how much we concentrate on words instead of emotions.  The first scene we did fine, but we both were forgetting the listen and processing part.  The second scene, I remembered to do it and the result was…awkward and incredible.  When I listened to my partner’s lines and really processed everything about it before I responded, the emotion was so much more real and raw.  By the time we ended the scene, the teacher said he had goosebumps…and we weren’t even great compared to what a couple other pairs did.

I was blown away by the results of this exercise.  One pair went and did their scene and both chose to ignore the lines and paraphrase.  The emotions were SO high that it brought tears to my eyes.  I wanted to run away, I wanted to yell “cut” myself just to make it stop. But the director stood by, wanting to yell it himself, and let the scene continue until the room felt it was going to cave in on itself, then he mercifully said “cut” and the room let out a collective sigh.

After my scene, I commented that the expression of such intense emotion is so awkward and painful and at the same time, truly amazing.  This exercise was an incredible example of how often we as actors go up there and just say what we are supposed to say.  We emote, at least I think I do, but when you truly take the times to RESPOND, you realize the emotion is usually secondary to the lines.  Acting is reacting…I get it.

I’m Going to Kill Myself…

Life is too hard. I am at the end of my rope. I am alone. I will have a bottle of vodka and a loaded gun and I am determined to put an end to my misery. I have done bad things in my life. I have been hurt and I have hurt people. I have cheated and been cheated. I no longer feel like I have the capacity to love and be loved…
…But most importantly, I have played many a character, which is exactly what I am doing now. So please, put down the phone, don’t call for help…I, Tracy, am not going to kill myself. But tomorrow, “Maggie” is going to end it all.
Playing a character, otherwise known as “acting,” allows me to do all the things I just said. I can kill myself. I can kill someone else. I can cheat. I can be a sinner or a saint. I can be happy, sad, funny, and mad. I can be anyone else other than myself. And although I love myself, I do not exactly have the life I dreamed of. But on stage, I am no longer me. I am not in chronic pain. I do not feel like my life is passing me by and taking with it a thousand missed opportunities. I am not responsible for my actions, only my emotions. When I am on stage, I am someone else. And, when it comes to acting, I am pretty darn good, probably due to the fact that I have been pretending to be someone else for most of my life.
If you look at an acting class from a psychological perspective, it can be very beneficial for people who are in pain, be it physical or emotional. Acting is a safe haven, a place to express every emotion, reaction and feeling that is not acceptable in society. For example, I can’t scream, yell and cry in public without being looked at as crazy and possibly being locked up. I can’t express my anger, hurt or frustration by throwing things around or having a fist fight. I can’t have a laughing fit in the middle of a store. So many of the emotions I (and others in similar circumstances) have are socially unacceptable. The rules of our society dictate that it is not okay to express your every emotion…but on stage, I can let out every single emotion I have built up inside me…and it’s safe. There is no judgment. As a matter of fact it is the one place where the more emotion I bring to my character, the better I am!
Many local community theaters offer inexpensive classes. When I was a practicing social worker, I actually utilized some of the exercises we do in class as a way to help people get in touch with their real emotions and express them in a safe way. I also used improvisational comedy exercises to help people both release emotion and LAUGH. Laughter truly is the best medicine (not to mention the adrenaline of performing acts as a potent, temporary pain blocker). Try an acting class and I guarantee, you will not only find a healthy release for those pent-up emotions, but you will probably bust a gut doing so. It doesn’t matter if you do it as a psychological exercise, a hobby, or you are Broadway-bound, acting is a healthy, safe release.
My acting class is the one place where I can be someone else and at the same time, really be me.